The Most Interesting Man in Mass Effect
by Made Nightwing
Summary: Jacob Taylor is obviously the Old Spice Guy. But who is The Most Interesting Man in the World?
1. Chapter 1

The Most Interesting Man in Mass Effect

I don't own Bioware or Dos Equis

Stay thirsty gentlemen 

_He is seventy years old, and still goes on Suicide Missions for relaxation._

_He once got shot in the face…just to see what it felt like._

_He is actually a romance option in Mass Effect 2; however human females are incapable of remembering absolute pleasure__._

_The Asari government occasionally hires him to keep their Ardat-Yakshi population sated._

_He fucked with Aria…twice in one night._

_The Turian Councilor has dismissed his existence as a rumor._

_He is suspected to have fathered Liara T'Soni, but everyone thought that was just Benezia bragging._

_He taught Jacob Taylor his pick up lines._

_Sovereign attempted to indoctrinate him, and sustained permanent damage to its backup shield generators._

_Saren committed suicide because he saw him walking up the steps behind Shepard._

_He is General Williams' estranged brother._

_He doesn't have pick-up lines, he has pick up looks._

_He was able to carry on an intellectual conversation with a Husk._

_He is actually a biotic, but doesn't use them because they're 'unsportsmanlike'_

_The malfunction of the Luna Training Outpost in Mass Effect 1 was caused by the Hannibal system trying to think like him._

_Kelly Chambers was a lesbian until she met him._

_He is currently considered a clear and present danger to the National Security of the Yahg._

_The Council had the choice between sending him to destroy the Krogan, or unleashing the genophage. They decided on the second, it was more humane._

_Udina considers him an outrage._

_He is the only one who makes the Consort feel better_

_The salarian's have short lifespans because they want to minimize the risk that they'll ever meet him._

_The virus on Omega was the Collector's attempt to kill him, it failed…badly._

_The three mercenary groups on Omega banded together to kill him, but they got the address wrong and accidentally attacked Archangel._

_He inspired Blasto to become a Spectre._

_Conrad Verner wanted to be like him when he grew up, but dismissed that goal as unrealistic._

_The asari have long lifespans because they want to maximize the chances they'll have of meeting him._

_Okeer's quest to create the perfect warrior began with an attempt to clone him. Okeer was shocked to discover, on close examination, that this man was not actually Krogan._

_He is the only human to have ever met a female Turian._

_And by met…we mean boned._

_The nuclear devastation of Tuchanka occurred when he misplaced one of his Inferno Grenades._

_The drell remember him._

_He won an arm wrestle with an elcor._

_He has eight Master's degrees._

_When the Hanar talk about the Enkindlers, they are not talking about the Protheans._

_Miranda Lawson's genome didn't come from Richard Lawson, it came from Him._

_He is Zaeed Massani, the Most Interesting Man in Mass Effect._

Zaeed looked up from where he was sitting with Jessie, surrounded by dozens of beautiful alien women fawning over him. He smiled. "I don't always kill aliens, but when I do, I kill those no-good, terrorist, motherfucking batarians! Stay lethal gentlemen!"

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A/N: I was browsing Deviant Art, and came across another Jacob Taylor: Old Spice Guy meme. It suddenly struck me, if Jacob is Isaiah Mustafa? Who is the World's Most Interesting Man? Of course, that was obvious.


	2. Chapter 2

The Most Interesting Man in Mass Effect

Chapter Two: The Advice He Gives

I don't always write disclaimers, but when I do, I say that I don't own Bioware.

**LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE ARE PROUD TO PRESENT**

**THE GALAXY'S MOST INTERESTING MAN**

If he were to give you directions, you'd never get lost, and arrive at least five minutes early.

Udina considers him a political shitstorm.

He once had an encounter with the Asari version of Jack the Ripper. He was the only one to come out of that alive.

If he were to act as your wingman, you would be going home with anyone from Orianna Lawson to Samara, depends on his measure of what kind of woman you need.

He is Zaeed Massani, the Galaxy's Most Interesting Man

**AND NOW, THE GALAXY'S MOST INTERESTING MAN WILL GIVE ADVICE ON FASHION**

Zaeed leaned forward with understanding in his eyes. "Fellas," he began roughly. "Leave the tight armour to the ladies. This means you, Jacob and Thane. If I can count the loose credit chits in your pocket, you should be using those coins to call your tailor."

**THE GALAXY'S MOST INTERESTING MAN TELLS US WHY AGREED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE SUICIDE MISSION**

"Now the first time a Cerberus representative approached me about joining Commander Shepard, I thought he was an assassin and shot his right ear off." Zaeed shrugged apologetically. "The next representative was a woman. Blonde, about twentyish, a definite ten out of ten. So I invited her in for tea, gave her a traditional English lunch, made passionate love to her and sent her back with my polite refusal."

His omni tool beeped urgently, he frowned as he accessed it. "Dammit, the Kaidan Alenko Appreciation Society wants me to do a photoshoot with the guy. I thought I told them no after what happened last time. Even I am not capable of sating 250 screaming fangirls, and Shepard won't let Kaidan help me out with the masses of women throwing themselves at us. Damn girl's just too possessive."

He looked back to the cameraman. "What they say is true, I **am** the Galaxy's Most Interesting Man, which is why The Illusive Man himself came to ask for my assistance. I repeated my refusal, but after he bested me in a vigorous fencing match, I realised that this is not a man I should say no to. That, and the five hundred cases of lager that he had delivered to my bungalow may have helped change my mind."

**WE RECOUNT SOME MORE OF HIS ATRIBUTES**

The pheromones he secretes have been known to affect women up to five miles away, in a slight, but measurable way.

He trolled the Tali Support Thread on the Bioware Social Network; he was the only one to make it out of that alive.

The entirety of the Die Hard and Lethal Weapon series were made in an attempt to show just how many gunfights and explosions randomly occur when he is in the area. They failed.

Three Predators stalked him on Zorya, thinking him to be the ultimate prey. They now work for him as his secretary, beautician and manicurist.

**THE GALAXY'S MOST INTERESTING MAN GIVES ADVICE ON SEX**

Zaeed looked up from where he was polishing Jessie. "Yes please."

**BE SERIOUS FOR A MOMENT SIR**

"Very well then," he stood up in front of a massive audience at the Presidium.

**LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE GALAXY'S FOREMOST EXPERT ON SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR!**

After the cheers subsided, Zaeed smiled. "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure. Thank you."

**HE TELLS US OF SOME OF HIS EXPLOITS**

"Ah, well once I chased an Ardat-Yakshi to a planet of primitive, but beautiful, nubile females. After killing her, I lived in a cave for three months, recovering from my wounds. The local tribe leader gifted me with two wives, one of whom looked like Yvonne Strahovski, the other like Anne Hathaway. I decided to stay for an extra year."

**WHAT ABOUT THE TIME YOU NEARLY BROKE THE GALACTIC PLANETARY SPEED RECORD?**

"Yes yes, I remember that well. It was the opinion of team that my tattoos and scars caused too much wind resistance. I would have had them surgically removed but...uh,...no, I wouldn't have."

**SOME OF HIS MOST DEFINING MOMENTS**

The Consort's gift of words to him was "Ungh, take me now, please!"

He was the first man to start playing Galaxy of Fantasy. Then someone heard he was playing it and now it has eleven trillion players.

The M-920 Cain is actually a weapon that channels some of the raw energy in his genetic makeup.

When Shepard punched him on Zorya, that was actually him moving his head away from her fist. She would have broken her hand if she had made contact.

Self-Insert writers give themselves superpowers and mad combat skillz in order to try and seem cooler than him. They fail.

He taught Dark Danny and t3hpro how to be Master Trolls.

**HE IS THE GALAXY'S MOST INTERESTING MAN**

Zaeed was on Omega, sitting in Aria's private booth, with the Queen of Omega on his lap. He smiled again at the camera.

"I don't always have sex with Spanish Star Trek fangirls. But when I do, I prefer 'Dos Trekkies!'"

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A/N: Just when you think he is out, I pull him back in!


	3. Chapter 3

The Most Interesting Man in Mass Effect

Chapter Three: Wine, Women, Song.

I Don't Own BioWare

_He used to be an adventurer like you, but then he took an arrow in the knee and became a mercenary instead._

_It is estimated that one of his snarls has the same kinetic power as a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick and a Garrus Vakarian headshot put together._

_He never has sex after the first date. That would imply that women could wait through dinner before they start tearing their clothes off._

_Once, out of loyalty, one of his men claimed to be him to a turian investigator. After he was executed, the turians realised that they had killed the wrong man. No spontaneous combustions or gunfights had occurred._

_He is Zaeed Massani, the galaxy's Most Interesting Man._

**THE MOST INTERESTING MAN WILL NOW GIVE US HIS OPINION ON SPOILERS**

Zaeed examined his latest gold assault rifle. "Not a guddamn one."

**WHAT IS HIS OPINION ON HATERS?**

This time, he leaned closer. "Listen mates, if you're too bloody stupid to see that all characters have their good points and bad points, then you're playing the wrong bloody type of game. I read one more post on Space Tube calling that Spectre Williams a racist bitch and I'm gonna (_the following has been censored due to internet rating laws_)."

Having finished, Zaeed leaned back. "But you shouldn't get angry at haters. You should be more like me. If you don't like something, stand up and walk away. Then come back twenty years later and burn that motherfucker with a blowtorch."

**HE TELLS US WHY HE PICKED UP MERCENARY WORK**

"It's quite simple," Zaeed explained. "As long as there's two people in this galaxy still alive, someone's going to want someone else dead, and they're gonna pay someone else to do it."

**WHAT DOES HE THINK OF SHIPPERS?**

Zaeed looked frankly at the cameras. "Bitches be crazy."

_He once told an elcor to speak clearly, the entire species followed his advice._

_Many suspect that he is actually a future incarnation of The Doctor...or an earlier version._

_Water-boarding is not considered to be real torture because it doesn't work on him._

_It is estimated that he has slept with roughly five times as many women as Casanova, using half as many words._

_They made Ashley Williams a Spectre on his recommendation._

_Tom Clancy considered writing a book about him, then dismissed it, because Tom Clancy's books have to sound like they could happen in real life._

_James Vega was skinny before he introduced him to his work out plan._

_He is the only man alive who has read and understood the United States Tax code._

_Many consider drell assassins to the pinnacle of martial prowess. He considers them to be promising new guys._

_Many consider the SPECTREs to be the greatest operates known to the galaxy. He considers them decent enough amateurs._

_Many think that Councillor Tevos is the greatest asari politician in the galaxy. He considers her to be that wild chick with the big earings from spring break._

_He slept with Shepard's mother...and didn't call her back._

_He would have been Saren's daddy, but a varren beat him over the fence...nah, just kidding, he let the varren win._

_He once punched Vyrnnus so hard, he spent the rest of his life bullying humans to make himself feel better._

_Michael Bay offered to make a movie about him, then decided that he couldn't supply the necessary amount of explosive awesomeness._

_He once blew up the Eiffel Tower just to impress a girl, then rebuilt it single handed to impress another one._

_The Gracie Brothers invented Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in the belief that in a hundred and eighty years, someone could use it to defeat him._

_They failed...but it was the closest anyone's ever gotten._

_He went fishing on the Presidium...he caught a shark._

_It is rumoured that he is in fact, a Brony. Because of that, it is now considered manly to watch MLP: Friendship is Magic._

_He is the father of the Big Ben Sniper._

_Turian females get chafing from sleeping with him._

_Drell females can hallucinate just by licking his skin._

_Salarian females find him sexually attractive._

_He only sleeps with the most attractive female Cerberus agents that come to kill him, the rest he kills._

_Samara meditates to try and keep her desires for him under control._

_Garrus calibrates so he won't risk running into him._

_His virility is so legendary, it is believed that he can actually impregnate a krogan._

_The krogan keep their females hidden in secure encampments just so he can't get near them._

_Women give him their phone numbers._

_Then they call him, just to make sure he got them._

_He once went back in time and fought Anderson Silva to a draw in a UFC match. Since that is the closest anyone has ever come to beating Anderson Silva, we accepted that as being worthy off this list._

_He is Hans Zimmer's muse._

_The character of Ramirez in Modern Warfare 2 was created just to show people how much the Most Interesting Man in the Galaxy gets done on an average day._

_He is, quite simply, the Galaxy's Most Interesting Man._

**A/N: Did you honestly think he was gone forever?**

**BTW, Chapter 9 for The Siege of Shanxi is almost done, and I've gotten a start on the next chapter of Changing Fate.**


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